Stanford's most irreverent real news publication
IN THIS EDITION:
DESPITE MANDATORY REPORTING OBLIGATIONS, STANFORD ASKS STUDENTS TO REPORT DANGEROUS ITEMS, OFFERING FUNDAMENTAL STANDARD ‘AMNESTY’
AFTER ELON MUSK’S SON COMPETED IN A STANFORD HIGH SCHOOL DEBATE TOURNEY, MUSK’S P.A. COMPLAINED OF SON’S POSSIBLE COVID-19 EXPOSURE
1442 COVID-19 CASES AND 47 DEATHS IN SANTA CLARA COUNTY
& MORE NEWS YOU CAN USE
IN THIS EDITION:
SPRING QUARTER TO BE ENTIRELY ONLINE, GRADED SATISFACTORY/NO CREDIT
GRADUATION CANCELLED
MANY, MANY TUITION PETITIONS
A HOW-TO GUIDE ON TAKING A LEAVE
29 STANFORD COVID-19 CASES; 646 IN SANTA CLARA COUNTY
& MORE NEWS YOU CAN USE
IN THIS EDITION:
STUDENT CLAIMS TO HAVE PERFORMED UNOFFICIAL CORONAVIRUS TESTS ON 50+ STANFORD AFFILIATES, ALLEGEDLY IDENTIFYING TWO CASES
FINALS TO RESUME STARTING FRIDAY
COUNTY COVID-19 COUNT RISES TO 175; DEATH TOLL RISES TO 6
& MORE NEWS YOU CAN USE
IN THIS EDITION:
RESEARCH LABS ASKED TO DONATE COVID-19 TEST COMPONENTS AS STANFORD RUNS “VERY LOW ON CRITICAL REAGENTS AND SUPPLIES”
BAY AREA SHUTS DOWN AS RESIDENTS ARE ASKED TO “SHELTER IN PLACE”, ONLY LEAVE FOR ‘ESSENTIAL’ PURPOSES
FINALS POSTPONED INDEFINITELY
COUNTY COVID-19 COUNT RISES TO 138; DEATH TOLL RISES TO 4
& MORE NEWS YOU CAN USE
IN THIS EDITION:
IN A SINGLE EMAIL, STANFORD PRESIDENT ANNOUNCES:
❗️ALMOST ALL STUDENTS WILL BE BARRED FROM SPRING QUARTER HOUSING❗️
❗️FINALS ARE BEING MADE OPTIONAL❗️
COUNTY COVID-19 COUNT RISES TO 91; DEATH TOLL RISES TO 2
& MORE NEWS YOU CAN USE
IN THIS EDITION:
STANFORD MOVES SPRING CLASSES ONLINE DUE TO CORONAVIRUS CONCERNS
UNDERGRADS ASKED NOT TO RETURN TO CAMPUS AFTER BREAK
STANFORD HOSPITAL FACULTY MEMBER TESTS POSITIVE FOR COVID-19
COUNTY ANNOUNCES ITS FIRST DEATH
& MORE NEWS YOU CAN USE
IN THIS EDITION:
STANFORD ADMINS ALLEGEDLY MET WITH STUDENT TO “GET [HIM] TO TAKE DOWN” HIS REPORTING ON A GOOGLE-BACKED COMPANY, CITING AN ALLEGED NETWORK USAGE POLICY VIOLATION
GREEK ORGS TO HEAR BACK FROM ‘SELECTION PANEL’ TOMORROW; TIPSTERS COMPLAIN OF LACK OF TRANSPARENCY IN PROCESS
IN A REFRESHING ROLE-REVERSAL, CS STUDENTS HONOR-CODED THEIR PROFESSORS
& MORE NEWS YOU CAN USE
IN THIS EDITION:
CORONER CONFIRMS RUMORS THAT SOPHOMORE DIED OF ACCIDENTAL FENTANYL OVERDOSE IN TDX
STANFORD FINALLY INSTALLS CHANEL MILLER’S PLAQUE
IN MIDST OF AFFORDABILITY CRISIS, GRAD STUDENT RENT INCREASES
SECRET SNOWFLAKE COMES UNDER FIRE; FOSSIL FUEL DIVESTMENT UPDATES; FLI OFFICE CONTROVERSY
& MORE NEWS YOU CAN USE
IN THIS EDITION:
POST-MEGXIT, ROYALS VISIT CAMPUS
CS224N TA APPARENTLY FIRED AFTER ALLEGED FERPA VIOLATION
STANFORD ADMISSIONS SCANDALS: UPDATES ON VARSITY BLUES AND LSD-STABBING ADMISSIONS DIRECTOR
DON’T LET THE BRIDGE DIE
CORONAVIRUS; RAPE KITS; THEFTS
& MORE NEWS YOU CAN USE
“SOUTH SAN FRANCISCO THE INDUSTRIAL TITY”: TREE MODIFIED ICONIC SOUTH SF SIGN, SAY SOURCES
INCIDENT OCCURRED IN THE MIDDLE OF 2019 ‘TREE WEEK’; TREE CROWNED AS MASCOT DAYS LATER
IN THIS EDITION:
STUDENT DEATH FOLLOWED BY UNIVERSITY WARNINGS ABOUT FENTANYL-LACED DRUGS
CORONAVIRUS SPREADS TO SANTA CLARA COUNTY; TRIGGERS STANFORD-CHINA TRAVEL BAN
AFTER MUCH NOISE, ASSU IMPEACHMENT EFFORT ENDS IN SILENCE
& MORE NEWS YOU CAN USE
TW: STUDENT DEATHS
IN THIS SPECIAL EDITION:
“UNPRECEDENTED VOLUME OF PHISHING ATTACKS” LEADS TO “HUNDREDS OF COMPROMISED USER ACCOUNTS”
CANVAS PHISHING SCAM STRIKES STUDENTS DURING FALL FINALS WEEK
FOHO IDENTIFIES TWO MAJOR VULNERABILITIES THAT LIKELY ENABLED THE ATTACKS
STANFORD KNEW ABOUT EMAIL VULNERABILITY AND NEGLECTED TO FIX IT, ACCORDING TO DOCUMENTS
IN THIS EDITION:
EVERYONE IMPEACHES EVERYONE
BAND ANNOUNCES PILOT PROGRAM AS A ‘DEPARTMENT-SPONSORED STUDENT ORGANIZATION’
STANFORD STUDENT ARRESTED FOR DUI AFTER CRASHING ON HIGHWAY 101; CAUSING 3-CAR PILEUP AND 4-HOUR ROAD CLOSURE
MTL WANTS YOU TO JUST SAY ‘YO’
& MORE NEWS YOU CAN USE
IN THE FINAL FALL-QUARTER EDITION:
ADMIN/ASSU/FACSEN COMMISSION COMMITTEE TO CONSIDER LOWERING STANDARD OF EVIDENCE IN OCS CASES, REDUCING BARRIERS TO REPORTING, ETC.
STANFORD FOOTBALL LOSES BIG GAME 20-24
STANFORD AGREES TO INSTALL CHANEL MILLER PLAQUE BEFORE GETTING PERMISSION FROM MILLER
EVERYBODY PROTESTS EVERYTHING: DIVESTMENT, SEXUAL ASSAULT, GRAD STUDENT HEALTHCARE, & MORE
& MORE NEWS YOU CAN USE
IN THIS SPECIAL EDITION:
STANFORD ROBOTICS FOUNDER, FORMER STANFORD STUDENT ERIC SMALLS ACCUSED OF SELLING UNREGISTERED SECURITIES
OKLAHOMA DEPARTMENT OF SECURITIES SENDS SMALLS CEASE-AND-DESIST; INVESTORS ALLEGEDLY TIP OFF FBI
SMALLS SPAMS STANFORD FB GROUPS TO FUND SHADY STARTUP; PISSES OFF TIPSTERS
~~ and even more silicon valley absurdity ~~